The Path Unchosen

I do not believe in destiny.

However, I do believe that you learn things in a roundabout way.  What began with a detailed rigid year-long plan is evolving.  I am still sticking with my reading, though other books creep into the mix and I am not really "on" a schedule anymore.  I am learning that my plan to "figure out already" what I want to be when I grow up, has developed into a journey of searching for who I am in my core and a journey of self-improvement in every way.  I suppose that the only way to grow healthily is to grow as a whole.  I think that is why I cannot simply grow in my career path without growing in other aspects such as my health and my personality.  I cannot discover where my career path is leading me until I know the person that is walking that path.

I am sure this sounds a little strange, but every animal knows its own nature and I am seeking out mine.  For example, I've always wanted to take care of my health and I've always loved food, but I now know there was a disconnect between the two.  I recently began a (gasp...) diet.  It is called the Flat Belly Diet and it was created by the people at Prevention magazine.  Diets are not my thing; I've always strongly opposed the concept of dieting (having seen people go on crazy regimens like drinking cayenne pepper water and cabbage soup).  Having taken a nutrition class and participated in a nutrition program before, I know enough about nutrition to tell that this plan is healthy and balanced.  It is also (even in just the five days that I've been following it so far) teaching me a lot about my relationship with food.

I finally realized that I have issues with grazing and with portion sizes and, most importantly, that I need to plan in advance when and what I am going to eat.  If I allow myself to get to the point of being hungry and do not have a meal planned, my brain simply stops functioning.  I can work myself into a total frenzy not knowing what I feel like eating, because really my body just needs fuel at that point, any fuel.  I delay giving it fuel because I'm trying to figure out what I want to eat, and that's where I end up eating three times the amount of food that I need, especially considering that I tend to eat very quickly.  The Flat Belly Diet is teaching me to be mindful of my body's energy levels and relationship to food.  That, and it's promising that I'll lose a couple of inches in my waist, which is all I need to feel completely comfortable in my maid of honor dress next month!

The interesting thing is that at first, when I fell behind on my reading schedule, I felt very stressed out about it and was hoping to "catch up." Now, I've learned that life does not work on a schedule.  We choose which roads to turn onto in life, but there are no guarantees that they lead where we think they do.  Then it is up to us to learn something from where the path has taken us and decide whether it's a path worth following or whether our calling is to take another turn onto another path. 

The path I chose has wound around from career to body and self.  I have learned that I need to take care of my body (and my spirit) much more carefully than I have in the past.   I need to feed myself well, give my body and my mind enough time to rest and recreate, take away from the things that are stressful (especially those out of my control), and stop trying to do everything to be the perfect friend, daughter, employee, and person.  My new priorities are to be faith-filled and connected with God and my faith, to be good to myself (body, mind, and spirit), and to be a good daughter, girlfriend, friend, employee, and person. 

I am done with trying to do everything always for everyone.  I am now going to try and take care of me first.  Of course I will still love my family and friends and be there for them.  I don't think too much will change in that department.  I just need to be a good friend to myself as well.

JMJ

Stress in the Form of Matter.

Dear friends,

I know, I know.  How can I be considered a blogger if I leave you stranded for over two weeks without so much as a sentence-long thought or update?  In my defense, I've been keeping busy with some very important things that, until this point, for fear of alerting an intentionally uninformed party who reads this blog, I could not disclose.  Namely, I've been very busy planning a surprise bridal shower for a close friend who graced me by asking me to be her maid of honor. 

The part of all this business that is annoyingly amusing, is the one where I barely got everything taken care of in spite of starting the preparations about three or four months in advance.  I wonder if anyone has conducted a study on the correlation between preparing for something early so you're not swamped at the last minute and the rate of appearance of completely unrelated issues that need immediate attention as you approach the deadline of the first thing that you've been preparing for. 

It turns out that exactly one week before the bridal shower was to take place, I was scheduled to have two days off.  The first was meant for resting and attending another friend's bachelorette party and the second day would be devoted to ensuring that all the components of the shower were planned properly and being taken care of by the bride's mother, myself, or delegated to another responsible party.  Well, for the first time in my career, I was flown into my off day.  The benefits of this tragedy include either four extra hours of pay or an additional day off.  Here's the catch.  The day off cannot be taken immediately (which is, naturally, when you would need it) but rather must be scheduled into your next month of flying.  I forfeited the extra day off and went for the pay, but then encountered the gremlin of exhaustion.  This sucker has been hanging off my shoulders ever since the unhappy event, making it extremely difficult to function and get all of the last details of the shower in order in a timely fashion. 

Then, as fate would have it, my roommate informed me that she suddenly realized that she needs to study and work full time once August arrives, which means that she could not renew our lease on July 1st, but rather had to find a place to live closer to work and school.  I completely understand and, although I will miss her dearly, can certainly figure something out.  The timing of all of this, however, made it difficult to maneuver.  First, when I called the landlord, he seemed fine with allowing us to stay on a month-to-month basis.  However, an hour later he called back in a panic, giving us the options to move immediately or stay two months, neither of which would work for my roomie.  Finally, we agreed to stay one extra month, in which time period I will find a new person who will move into the room and sign a new lease with me.  Thankfully, this is working out a lot more easily than I anticipated, but until this past Monday, the situation was very stressful. 

The bridal shower took place this past Saturday and, aside from the fact that I arrived at the bride's parents' place so late that I nearly gave the mother of the bride a heart attack, and the fact that I was frying chicken until about 27 seconds before a parade of people came marching through the door, I've got to admit that we pulled it off.  The bride was surprised beyond belief and had a great time.  The decorations looked beautiful, the food was delicious and abundant (my homemade sangria and guacamole were definitely popular), the bridesmaids ran some games and put together some wonderful favors, and everybody had a good time.  I even got to sit down and relax for a few minutes here and there once the party started!  I delegated taking pictures to a dear friend (another bridesmaid) who is fantastic at getting into the middle of things and capturing the moments to be remembered and, I've got to say, that was very likely the best decision I made in the whole planning process.  In addition to having created a party that the bride will (hopefully) always remember, we also have tons of pictures that she can always look at to remember the moments that made her laugh or smile or that simply warmed her heart.

Of course, the story wouldn't be complete without one last piece of drama to lead into the next chapter of my summer saga.  My schedule for July came out at the end of June and, in the midst of everything else, I couldn't figure out how to fix it and squeeze in the flight hours that I need around the commitments that I already have scheduled.  Thankfully, after a couple of schedule-frenzy-induced migraines, about an hour ago I gave it another try (probably the tenth or eleventh since my schedule was released) and finally, I was able to manipulate trips around and fit in 21 of the 22 hours that I needed for my minimum schedule value.  The triumph is that I was able to fit the hours in without giving up the four days off that I have between now and the fourth of July, which I was hoping to God I could keep off to catch up on sleep and rest and relax and recreate and... well, you get the point. 

So, here I am, drinking iced tea, writing to whomever cares to read, and hoping that your summer isn't quite as crazy as mine is turning out to be.  Also, I'd like to conclude with two thoughts.

First:

Stress is like air in the sky or water in the sea:

You can take a particular bucketful out,

but that area will simply fill in with a different bucketful of the same.

You cannot create a void of air in the sky or water in the sea,

so it is with stress, it will always exist.

Second:

As difficult as it is to deal with the stress, 

I know that the areas of my life that bring it into being

are the same areas of my life, 

that fill me with

great joy.

I accept this stress 

for all that it is worth in its implications

and in the knowledge

that it is not permanent.

I'll try not to leave you stranded for that long again.  Thanks for reading!