A Letter from a Girl on the Sidelines on this Day of Remembrance

OK, the title says "this day of remembrance" and obviously that was yesterday, but I started writing this yesterday, so that's where it really belongs and I don't want to change it, so here go the thoughts that took me two days to find the right words to express.  

I have so many things to write to you about, yet since yesterday I’ve been struggling to verbalize my thoughts about 9/11.  I have no authority, nor do I have any right to predicate on the matter since I was just a girl on the sidelines when it happened ten years ago.  However, there is something about a day like yesterday that compels me to write. 

Listening to the sounds of the memorial emanating from the TV in my living room, I could hear clearly all the names of those who died and the words of love and even the knot forming in the throat of the loved ones who are reading.  And with each name mentioned I felt the same knot growing in my throat and tears welling up in my eyes.  

I did not know the people whose names are mentioned, but I know that they were mothers and fathers, sisters, brothers, husbands, wives, fiancés who were engaged to be married, daughters and sons, and friends of so many people that are left behind today.  They were young and old, some with full lives and plans and dreams ahead of them just like me, others having worked hard for many years looking forward to enjoying retirement and grandchildren one day.  They were not at death's gate, yet.  They were called early, before their time.  But they were not called; they were forced along a death march that they could not have foreseen in their worst nightmares.  

Ten years ago I was sitting in a classroom in New Jersey, in Physics class, when they turned on the TV and we saw the beginning of a day none of us will ever forget.  It's strange because it's so clear in the way that it felt but so blurry because that day felt like it passed in a blur.  My grandmother came to pick my sister and me up before the school administrators had even gotten the chance to decide how to react.  They didn't want to let us go, but no one wins against my grandmother when she's protecting her family.  

She took us to the Red Cross to give blood, but even at nine in the morning there were so many people who had already had the same idea that the blood bank didn't have a way to collect and store everyone's blood without it going bad, so we were sent away.  I remember being disappointed.  I was so close, yet so far away from the tragedy.  I was safe while others were dying.  I was 17, too young to go to New York and help, but just old enough to give blood.  It would have been my first time giving blood and I remember thinking that I wanted so badly for them to take it so that I could help in some way.   

We drove home and sat the rest of the morning in a strange trance as we watched people jump out of the towers and ultimately watched the second tower collapse.  We saw survivors running through the streets trying to escape the giant cloud of rubble that inundating the area.  It was like one of those old horror films where there's a giant blob expanding and taking over the city, destroying everything in its path, except that this was actually happening.  

Then we saw firefighters, journalists, rescue workers, volunteers, combing over the remains of the Twin Towers trying to find survivors, then bodies.  We saw people posting notes for loved ones, letting them know where they were and hoping that a picture and a scribbled note would lead to a reunion.  Later, President Bush addressed the nation and assured us that "the United States will hunt down and punish those responsible for these cowardly acts." 

And over the next few days we saw what America is made of.  Americans everywhere expressed compassion and support for victims and loved ones and the resolve that we would not allow that kind of act to go unpunished.  Those who could, helped.  Those who couldn't, prayed.  Everyone wept.  

Here we are, ten years later.  I have since moved to New York and it feels like I am a tiny part of the city and the city is a huge part of me.  This is the city where I first became independent.  This is the city that offered me my first internship, just a few steps away from Ground Zero, as a Clerk at the New York Board of Trade.  This city has welcomed me in like it welcomed so many others before me.  People allege that New Yorkers are not friendly and I really have to argue with that.  New Yorkers might not be smiling all the time, they might be in a rush to get here or go there while putting up with millions of tourists that will stop walking with no warning in the middle of a crowded sidewalk as though there is nothing going on around them, BUT New Yorkers take care of each other. 

I am now a Flight Attendant based in New York City and there isn’t a day that I am not alert and watching everyone and everything that happens on my plane.  However, some of the flights that I feel safest on are the flights to and from New York, because I know that my New Yorkers won’t let anything strange go unnoticed or unaddressed.  It’s just like what we see on the subway: “If you see something, say something.”  And for that attitude, I am lucky that this city adopted me and I’ll be lucky if one day I have the right to call myself a New Yorker. 

Facing the Stress Monster

Stress comes at me from all directions most of the time: there are bills, work/life balance issues, high-maintenance customers and sometimes annoying co-workers, not to mention the stress of trying to figure out what you want to be when you grow up while you're all grown up and everyone's waiting for you to make up your mind already.  That's right, I admit that many of the aspects of my life that are good can also bring stress.  So, what is the correct way to deal with it? 

I started thinking about this a while ago when I was listening to a friend tell me about a situation that was inundating her life with stress.  I felt so bad for her and at the same time, seeing her pitfalls helped me realize that I shared in some of the same bad habits.  I realized, after losing track of time while we talked, that all that talking hadn't actually made her feel much better about the situation. 

Later that day I started to think of what better ways there might be to deal with stress and I scribbled the following notes:

1. Venting doesn't actually make it better, even though it comes naturally to us.  Limit ventin to one email or one 5-10 minute conversation.
2. Offer it up to God (suffering, problem, concern, annoyance...whatever).
3. If needed, dedicate 20 minutes to problem solving session on paper by yourself.
4. Choose to improve your day by MOVING ON and LETTING GO.
5. Tip the balance by incorporating something good into your day (time with someone you cherish {not venting}, walk in nature, clean something, work out, play an instrument, read a good book, watch a movie you love, take a bubble bath, etc.).  The idea is to do something that you love that will make you feel better about your day.  For some people or situations it might be something productive that makes you feel proud and accomplished, for others it might just be something relaxing and enjoyable.  Try to avoid things that are only momentarily gratifying.  For example, I have to avoid shopping when I'm upset because I'll make impulse purchases and later regret spending the money on something trivial.  Basically, find a safe haven for yourself to get away from the thing that is stressing you out.

Obviously everyone's different and everyone has different beliefs and coping mechanisms, but I'm going to try to incorporate these things into my life more fully.  I'll be sure to let you know how it works out for me, and if you have any tips, I'd love to read them in your comments!

JMJ

Thinking Fearless Thoughts

I've been mulling around thoughts on fear and fearlessness for quite a while now as, with all the wedding preparations and other life events, it took me a bit longer than I expected to finish reading Arianna Huffington's On Becoming Fearless ...in Love, Work, and Life.  Even once I'd finished it, I kept thinking about what I had read, trying to reflect on fear's role in my life and, more crucially, how to overcome it.  

Ms. Huffington divides her book into chapters surrounding the concept of fearlessness in different areas of life such as money, parenting, and illness.  Some of them applied to my life more clearly than others, but I definitely learned some valuable lessons from each topic.  So, here comes my collage of thoughts inspired by her musings:

• Body: We all have anxieties concerning our bodies.  A few secrets on looking good that go beyond eating healthily and excercising include getting enough sleep, helping others, and self-confidence.  These three things can improve the way we look to others and ourselves.  My latest thought on body image is this: we're not perfect and we'll always strive to improve, so, for every action that you take to improve your body, think of something you love about your body. 
• Love: The fears of loneliness and rejection point to the way we feel about our shortcomings.  In some way many of us feel that if we have someone there loving us that it means that we are good enough and that boosts our self-esteem; it's a sign of approval.  The thing is, what attracts someone more than anything else (in a healthy relationship) is our sense of confidence in ourselves.  So, what do we need the most?  We need to relax and see who we are and love and approve of who we are so that we can be ourselves.  Then, love can flourish in a healthy way and be sustained.  On the other side of the love coin, we sometimes experience a good fear, the kind that points out red flags when something is wrong.  That is the fear that we need to listen to.  The thing is that, if we've been listening to the first kind of fear about acceptance and approval, that one will drown out the other fear if it is there, and we can end up staying in an unhealthy relationship.  The third kind of "love fear" that we encounter is that fear after a relationship has ended.  How do we pick up the pieces of our life that now has a big hole torn right out of it and move on, and how do we trust enough to allow anyone to form part of our life again?  That's just a choice that we have to make, along with a commitment to keeping our heart open and not allowing what was not right for us to prevent us from embracing what is.  Finally, there is what you find in real love and it is about knowing that person and allowing them to know you intimately, in a way that goes beyond what anyone else is allowed to see.  You recognize it when you find that you like who you are becoming with that person.  As Ms. Huffington puts it: "in the end, it's all about finding your best self, not losing yourself in another."
• Parenting: I don't have any children yet, so this chapter contains a lot of things that I can only imagine rather than identify with.  Mostly, it pointed out how much responsibility you take on through parenthood and, how many fears that responsibility brings with it.  Kids don't come with an instruction manual and, to make things even more challenging, each child is a completely unique little human being that will react in his or her own way to their experiences.  That means that if you have more than one child, even if they did come with instruction manuals, each one would require different things from you.  Ms. Huffington writes, "courage is the knowledge of what is not to be feared," which applies as much to parenting as anything else in life.  Parenthood magnifies the importance of each decision one makes, and parents' biggest fear seems to be making the wrong decision in raising or caring for their children.  The things that I hope I will remember from this chapter when I have my own children is that a parent teaches her child more through the way she lives than anything she teaches her, and that uncertainty and imperfection are guaranteed to be part of parenthood, so it's futile to expect oneself to rise above them.  The one thing I learned from my mother and grandmother that I think I knew before I read it in this book is to love your child unconditionally. 
• Career: A woman's career seems just as fraught with danger as a mine field these days.  We are smart and knowledgeable, yet that societal requirement we have to be nice and get along can hold us back in our work environments.  If we gather the courage to behave with more assertiveness and ambition we can be perceived as being arrogant and pushy.  So, we're either left behind as men, who are expected to be confident and ambitious, climb their way higher, or we somehow work our way up, but sacrifice social connections and workplace rapport in the process.  Everyone knows that it is lonely at the top, but for women trying to go somewhere with their careers, it can be lonely at every level.  Beyond that, we fear failure, so we don't take risks, and we fear that success comes with a price, sacrifices in our personal lives that as women we are hesitant or unwilling to accept.  We want it all, but we know that you can't have your cake and eat it too, so, what do we do?  Add to that the fears of criticism (which tells us we're not perfect) and the workaholism that many of us fall into to compensate for our perceived shortcomings, and the workplace can be quite daunting.  How are we supposed to have a fulfilling personal life while getting what we want out of our careers while getting along with everyone, and making our voice heard? 
• Know who you are and be yourself.
• Be assertive but keep a sense of humor.
• Not everyone can like you, know that if someone is criticizing you, you are probably doing something right.
• Think of the cost of failure versus the cost of not doing anything in the first place.  You might be upset if you fail, but you'll know that you took on something big and that you can do that again.  
• Focus on the goal rather than the fear.
• Just keep moving... and watch as the momentum makes the obstacles disappear.  
• Recognize your value and negotiate for what you deserve.
• Where there is fear there is an important challenge and, with that, comes the opportunity for growth.  Learn to embrace the fear and use it to drive your energy and effort.
• There is no success without risk and no risk without fear.  You must embrace the fear to meet success.
•  Money: This touchy subject connects to so many different parts of our lives, not out of choice, but because of the way the world works.  We do, however, get to choose how tight a hold of us we allow it to have and what our attitude towards it will be.  First think of what is important to you in life.  Chances are, you will be happier pursuing a career that you love that pays less than a career that you dislike that pays much more.  Then, think of what you really need.  Our society prizes possessions and money power, but is that what you prize?  I always said that I'd rather have a job that I enjoyed that also allowed me to enjoy my personal life than a job that required me to work crazy hours in order to make enough money to buy a yacht that I would never have the time off to enjoy.  This is where it gets personal.  What is the most important to you?  On a business note, if you are raising money, remember that you are offering people an opportunity to take part in something worthy, so do not view yourself as a beggar asking for a hand-out.  Finally, if you give a little of what you have to someone that has less, you will always plainly see how much you are blessed to have (remember that in the Happiness Project the author discovered that statistically, people who give to charity actually make more money).
• Aging and illness: Some societies view the elderly as the wise ones to be revered, or at least respected.  In our society today, unfortunately, we fear growing in years as we see the health of our bodies decline, feel the capacity of our brains to keep up with the new technologies slowing down, and ultimately fear being relegated to some obscure corner of society as something inconvenient and useless.  Maybe this viewpoint lies on the more pessimistic side of the spectrum, but those are views, or at least fears, that people have.  Aging cannot be prevented, but how we approach it is completely in our control.  Take care of your body and your spirit; let go of things that are not good for you physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually; continue to DREAM; don't let the critics get you down when you do something, the important thing is that you are doing something; ignore the past and the mirror and focus on the possibilities that lie ahead; find some older women who are doing it right to look up to and learn from; embrace simplicity; find peace.  
• God/death: Ms. Huffington's chapter on being fearless about God and about death was very interesting to read.  In our American culture we collectively avoid these topics.  We avoid talking about death because it is uncomfortable to face and we avoid the topic of God because we have allowed those that don't believe in God to convince us that we are somehow mistreating them or subjecting others to an unwanted concept if we speak of our beliefs.  We have come to a point where we try to be politically correct and indiscriminate towards those who don't believe by relegating our faith into the shadows of our personal life.  Ms. Huffington bravely approaches these two taboo topics and voices ideas that are bound to be found dated and "uncool" by many.  The ideas presented are rather difficult to introduce succinctly, so I’ll just include a few quotes from the chapter that caught my eye the most:
• “Reintegrating the spiritual and the everyday is the key to fearlessness.  But ending this division is not easy when we’ve stopped even acknowledging that we live caught between these two worlds.”
• “If you believe in a God who only judges and punishes, or if you believe that there is nothing but an accidental, indifferent universe, it’s going to be incredibly hard to move from fear to fearlessness because, after all, the essential characteristic of fearlessness is trust.  It’s the trust that there is meaning in our lives, even when our limited minds are unable to see it.”
• “The instinct for spirituality is hardwired in us.  This is our fourth instinct, the one beyond the instincts of survival, power, and sex.”
• “Ultimately, to reach fearlessness… we need to bring into our daily lives a grace beyond our minds and our emotions.  There is no better way to do this than with a daily practice.”
• “Once we recognize that even when we put everything we have into a project or a relationship, many factors beyond our control determine the outcome, a lot of the stress and fear evaporate.  And we can live in grace.”
• “Quiet time before the world starts spinning is crucial both to nourishing the soul and being effective in the world.”
• “When we look at our world from a higher point of view, all our fears are put into perspective and even our biggest problems become less intimidating.”
• “The ancient Romans used to carve MM on the bases of statues and on the trunks of trees.  The letters stand for Memento Mori: Remember Death.  This was not intended as a sign of morbidity but as a mental tool with which to overcome the fear of the unknown, a way to come to terms with life’s  only inevitability… Remembering death… can help us appreciate life to the fullest.”
• Leadership and speaking out: We have a responsibility in life not only to pay attention to our nation’s leaders and partake in our government, but even more importantly to be leaders ourselves and to speak out for what we believe in.  The first step is something that Ms. Huffington calls “fearless individualism,” through which we know who we are as individuals and feel comfortable and confident in our own skin.  Then you take that and live out who you are through your actions and words, and in such a way serve the world.  This is the kind of leadership that every person is called to.  You may be a leader among your friends, coworkers, or the members of your family; and if you are true to yourself, you will truly set an example for others around you.  It is time to review our idea of what leadership constitutes.  Leadership is more an internal force that comes from the depths of who you are and influences others than some external dictatorial force that you subject others to.  Now more than ever we need to know what we believe so that we can stand up and speak out for our ideals.  There will always be critics, but it is our right to speak our mind and we should not allow the fear of criticism to make us relinquish that right.  Whether you are called to lead your family, or lead through example like Mother Teresa, or vocally like Martin Luther King, Jr., each of us is called to a certain kind of leadership and, when we learn who we are and what we believe in, we can find what kind of leadership that will be and embrace it.
• Changing the world: It takes a lot of courage to stand up for things that need to be changed and people that need to be helped or defended but are ignored; however, the rewards of taking a stand can be incredible.   The reward can be anything from knowing that a child did not go hungry to looking back and realizing that women can now vote and make their voice heard thanks to one person’s actions.  And of course one person cannot change the world by herself, but it takes one person to inspire the few or the multitudes that do have the power to collectively create change.  We think of heroes as people who are distant from us, different and better, just as we view saints.  Both, however, are people just like we are, and we have the power to aspire for both heroism and sainthood.  Saints and heroes aren’t born perfect models of self-sacrificing care for others, but rather evolve into those roles one step at a time.  Each small step you take to help someone takes you one step closer to being part of that group of heroes and saints. 

In the end, it’s all about knowing yourself and listening to your true self.  Once you know who you are, you can be confident in that person and live your life fully and fearlessly.  Which, of course, leads me back to getting to know myself better. Uncertainty and insecurity are two vastly different things.  When we get to know ourselves intimately, we can let go of insecurity and accept the uncertainties that life comes with.  

I was speaking with my grandmother the other day and she asked me to think about my future in a different way.  She asked me to think of what I want other people to think of me or to see in me in the future.  I’ve always tried to think of it from my perspective because I don’t believe in doing things for others.  However, it’s difficult to think about who you are from your own perspective.  Sometimes it’s more like being in a funhouse with all the mirrors that look like you in a warped fashion than like going into the bathroom and just staring into the mirror there.  And then I realized that what you want others to view in you are the things that you want for yourself (unless you want them to see something out of a sense of necessity to fit in or compete with others).  Since I’m not really interested in becoming a version of anyone else or a product of my environment, I suppose that thinking about what I want others to see in me would be a good way to step out of my own perspective and still get to know more intimately who exactly I want to be.  Then I can step back into myself and examine what parts of that image are already parts of me and which are the things that are latent aspects of my being that just need some nurturing and coaxing to bring out more fully.  Then I can work towards growing into that person who I feel I already am inside and allow that person to reflect on the outside.  Then, comes fearlessness.